Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
