Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
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