the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
