Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
