i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this boner is exhausting
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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