I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
