I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
