I faked an abortion last night.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
