Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
