Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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