Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
