I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
