You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I intend to get homeless drunk
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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