Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize