and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
