You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
