what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
