She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
