I think I died a long time ago.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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