i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
