So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
