I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
