i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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