the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
