I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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