we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I have aggressive nipples.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
