i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
