If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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