The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
