at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
