If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
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I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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