When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We are two peas in an std pod
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
