im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
two words...techno handjob
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
