I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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