My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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