Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
you made out with another girl for some wings
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