My room smells like vodka and shame
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
