Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
