So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
