im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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