At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
