After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
