Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
