I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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