Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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