The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
