sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
