Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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