How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
