There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
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Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
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Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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