So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
