Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
