don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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