yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
