Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
