youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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