Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
