apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
