i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
